Sunday, May 3, 2009


I find myself shocked that it's already May, 5 months into 2009. Nearly half of the year is over already. Where has it gone? It's as if it's a complete fog.The year began in the normal way - rang it in with the family and close friends. We all enjoyed the rest of the winter break, then went back to school/work and got back to our daily routines with the holidays behind us. By the end of January, my mom's oldest brother was very sick. (At the time, we didn't yet know how sick.) By early February, he was in the hospital and we started traveling back and forth to Baton Rouge to check on him. My birthday came and then by the next week, all the tests my uncle had undergone diagnosed him with gall bladder cancer. (The prognosis wasn't good.) Naturally, the family was in shock. He was always a very healthy man and now he had a rare cancer. We continued going see him on weekends. He underwent a round of radation treatments.

Celebrated his birthday along with his youngest son's and his best friend's in mid March. My aunt and uncle's house was filled with family and friends. It was a wonderful day, but surreal at the same time. I felt as if the whole day was a scene from something you'd see in a movie. Everyone was happy to be together, but you could tell that everyone was thinking the same thing: that we were actually creating some of the last memories we'd ever have with my uncle. It's very rare that you can know such a thing, it's a blessing in a way .. to know that you need to make those last few moments really count, but it's painful as well.

The weeks continued to pass by with trips back and forth to Baton Rouge. All the while, I felt so helpless. Seeing my mom going through this pain with my grandmother was the worst thing ever and to see her (and the rest of the family) having to do it again with her brother made my heart ache. He earned his wings and joined my grandmother in heaven on the 5th of April.

In between all that, my other grandmother had emergency open heart surgery. Thankfully, she did wonderfully and is back on her feet. And now, we're almost a month later. Looking back, I see how quickly things can change. It's been a whirlwind of a spring, that's for sure. I'm eagerly awaiting summer. My uncle's favorite saying was "Think out of the box!" And that's how I'm going to spend these next few months. I intend to try new things this summer. And I'm definitely sticking to any plans made. No more of this planning and not following through.

The last month or so, I've been having a bit of anxiety, off and on, triggered by all that's been going on. I talked to my dad about it a week or two ago and he said that maybe the problem is that I'm too cautious. After the conversation, I thought about that and it really does actually make sense. I feel as if I have to mull over and rehearse pretty much everything I say and do beforehand. I always felt as if I had to think of the repercussions of any action or of anything I said, before I've actually done it. I guess it stems from being a mellow-type of person. I've never been overly outspoken. I never want to rock the boat, so to speak. But, I keep thinking of my uncle's favorite phrase and I think it's time to be more spontaneous. I need to let people know how I feel more often, instead of keeping it inside.

Now, me being spontaneous probably won't be all THAT daring, but you know. The first thing on my list to becoming more assertive: buying a WII.. even though everyone I've talked to says WIIs get boring after awhile and I'll probably not play any games on it after a week or so. HAH! I'll show them. (Ok.. so, not a very bold first item on my agenda - but hey, it's a start for me! :p)

Also, I've got the title of maid of honor (thanks to my cousin :D) that will keep me very busy for the next 12 months. First time I've ever held such a position, so I'm completely honored. I've got parties to host, decisions to help make, speeches to write, nerves to calm, dresses to try on and eventually buy once I decide which one I like, decorations to be made, invitations to be sent out, perhaps a shoulder to cry on once in awhile. I'm thrilled and can't wait to do all of these things this year leading up to the wedding next June. What I'm looking forward to the most? Standing beside the person whom is the closest thing I'll ever have to a sister (someone I've known since the day she was born) make the biggest commitment of her life. And knowing that she picked ME to be the one standing there by her side (out of everyone she knows) is a tremendous honor.

So, here's a prediction: Next year at this time, I'll be wondering where the spring has gone. The first few months of 2010 will be another whirlwind (but for good reason!) Those weeks will be filled with gatherings and finishing up details for the wedding. I can't wait.

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
what if I had given everything...
instead of going through the motions?

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